I decided today was the day...I'm going to be a blogger. Mostly because well, I'm finding that life is more and more interesting as, dare I say it, I get older. For example:
On Monday, as I was riding the bus home (as I usually do Monday through Friday) the most amazing thing happened. A person of ill repute (I say person of ill repute because saying lady blah blah blah would imply that, in fact, this was a hooker and I can't say for certain she was so we'll call her a Charming Lady...but let's go with it) decided to sit right next to me on the bus. Now, mind you, there were about 20 other seats available but apparently the one next to me looked the best. In situations like these, I really try to expand my "hello, I'm a homosexual" bubble to ward of such things from happening. Apparently, there was either a hole in it or the batteries failed (I blame it on too much fun at Market Days). In any respect, this charming lady decides that we should have a conversation. I don't usually mind chatting with people. You can meet some amazing people this way but, as stated above...too much fun at Market Days followed by a half day of work makes for a very tired Christopher. The conversation started with:
Charming Lady: Why's those guys wearing suits? (white shirts, ties, black pants, no bike helmets, but nameplates that say, you guessed it - Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - those crazy Mormons)
Christpher: Because they're Mormon Missionaries.
Charming Lady: Oh..why's they wearing suits though?
Christopher: I don't know. I think it's their uniform.
At this point a lull in the conversation happens. Well actually, she just starts to mumble to herself about nonsensical things that I really didn't care about.
Charming Lady: Do you really think they Mormons?
Christopher: Yep.
Charming Lady: But how's you know?
Christopher: Because of their nameplates.
So here is where the story gets fun. I'm not sure what possesed her. Maybe it was Jesus Christ (of the Latter Day Saints), maybe it was boredom...who can say, but she decided to start a conversation with said Mormon Missionaries.
Sidebar...why do these boys have to be so cute??? end of side bar
She starts the conversation as such:
Charming Lady: Do ya'll believe in the new world order cause it says it's gonna happen in the Bible.
Cute Mormon Missionary (CMM): Excuse me...what?
Charming Lady: Lot's a people tell me that it's gonna happen and what can you tell me.
CMM: I'm not sure what that is. Who told you about this?
CL (for ease of typing): The tv and radio. You know that rap and hip hop is devil music. (From a charming lady..who knew)
CMM: Yeah I know. We can't listen to it while we are doing our mission work.
At this point I just tuned out. I couldn't handle it anymore. I do know that one of the CMM's gave her some tract information for her to find out more info about LDS (like that's going to happen). The CMM's leave the bus which means, you guessed it, her attention comes back to me. Now, I don't mind a hand shake, good eye contact, heck a hot kiss from a hot guy, but when a Charming Lady decides it's ok to put her hand on your leg...yeah...ewe.
At this point she proceeds to tell me that she had been out all night drinking and was just now getting home...at 6:30PM CDT....roughly. Good for her. She asked if I went out to which I said...occasionally. I didn't really feel like getting into the politics of gaydom so I just left it at that. Then, from out of nowhere, she decides that I should know that she doesn't have any kids...and touches my leg again...farther up. Vomit may or may not have come up a little at this point and I may or may not have blacked out for a second out of pure horrer but yes...it did happen. She then asks me if I have kids and I think I said no, but I was just on auto-pilot at this point praying that the bus driver would just go faster.
Finally, we get to my stop and run off the bus thinking, oh my god, is she going to find me. Thankfully she didn't or I may have had to be homeless that evening. Luckily I had a friend to relay this all to via text so that I could keep my sanity. It still feels surreal and I wonder if it really happened. I should contact MCTS and see if I can get a copy of the bus cam tape just to watch for funsies.
In any respect, that's just a sampling of the life and times of this non-profiteer. I hope you'll read and enjoy. If I don't do this....well....booze is the only other option.
Chris
hehehehe
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